Home...

I'm homesick...

I've been back in PA for two months now and I've spent time at my new house, my dad's house, my house in maryland, friend's houses yet there is a longing within me no matter where I seem to be. In two weeks I will in my car, driving back to Grove City for another semester of school and I have a strong confidence that my longing still won't be fulfilled. I am longing for a place that I have never seen.

When I think about the times I have felt at home in the past two months, I think about walks in a park, drives down the highway, sitting by a lake, or running through a field...locations with no meaning in my life- except they were places that I met God and He reminded me that my home is Him.

Peter wrote to us "Friends, this world is not your home, don't make yourselves cozy in it." And Jesus told us also, ["Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you'll remain intimately at home in my love." ]

I dont belong here. We don't belong here. We weren't made to feel at home in this world. We were made to feel at home when we are curled up in the arms of the great loving Father who loves us, forgives us, sees us, and knows us inside and out. I still get frustrated and sometimes just plain angry because life just seems to cry out for more. And there is more. There is a kingdom filled with acceptance, overflowing grace, laughter, singing, dancing, people unafraid to be real, extended arms, welcoming comfy couches, and simply love.

...That is Home.

And that is where we belong.

Let us remember that we aren't meant to be at home on this physical earth. "God, make us find our home in You."

to be alive is to be [broken].

God has been taking me on a journey of what it means to be broken.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned this summer is that I am broken, weak, and inadequate. I've always tried to be strong and independent, but I am realizing just how little I really can do on my own. This summer has consisted of many cycles for me- it starts with life being lonely, dull, frustrating, and just simply low, but then I realize that realize I need to turn to God and surrender to Him. So I being to lean on Him, rather than myself, and slowly things become brighter and the incline begins. But then when things are going well- I start to rely on myself again. And thats when the cycle begins again with yet another period of low. You would think I would learn the lesson, right? But as I said, [I am broken].

And through all of this God just says to me- "Kelly, you don't have to please me. You don't have to do the work. I've done it all and I will continue to do it. In fact, you cant. Only I can. I love you and this is how I show you my love."

It really hit me today when I was reading in Ephesians: "We all did it, all of us doing what we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, all of us in the same boat. It's a wonder God didn't lose His temper and do away with a whole lot of us. Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, He embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ. He did this all on His own...All we do is trust Him enough to let Him do it. It's God's gift form start to finish! We don't play the major role...No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving." [Ephesians 2:3-10]

My God, my Dad, my Savior reached down and embraced me! And its only because He just loved me that much that He couldn't help it.

I am an irritable, moody, impatient, jealous, cynical, weak, and broken person. But its ok. Because where I am weak- I am my strongest and I am alive. Because as Brennen Manning wrote, "To be alive is to be broken and to be broken is to stand in need of grace."