One year ago...

...I was sitting on a plane headed to Africa.

I had no idea who would be there, what it would look like, or exactly what I would be doing. I had no expectations because I had couldn’t even imagine what to expect. I didn’t know that the next five months would break open my heart and create a new sense of identity, family, and home within me. All I knew was that God called me to South Africa and I went.

A year later I’m sitting in my house, comfortable and pretty sure of what I will do the rest of the day, or even the rest of the weekend…far from the excitement of getting on a plane to Africa.

When I left South Africa, a friend of mine told me that he felt as though God was only beginning with me. It was the bottom of a large uphill journey in my life. I struggle with that now. I am tempted to believe that it wasn’t the beginning of anything. My life has not seemed all that different since I came back to America.

But God challenged me on that belief- He asked me the other day to write down all of the things that happened this year. After listing what God has taught me through 5 months in Africa, 3 months at home for the summer, and 4 months at college- I was humbled. I was humbled by the power of God’s Hand in my life, despite my stubbornness to see it.

Those times that I grew, those times that I was overwhelmingly blessed by God- I didn’t have control. The steering wheel wasn’t in my hands.

It’s like when I got on a plane a year ago- the Spirit of God was leading and all I could do was follow.

I’m thankful God knows I shouldn’t be able to control my life even when I think I know best. Because if I was in control, I’m not sure what this past year would have looked like.

I’ve been reading about how the Spirit leads us in “Forgotten God.” God convicted me with the words:

The fact is that God is calling. The Spirit is beckoning. The real question is will you follow? Will you listen?

His Spirit is calling us. His Spirit is calling me and, I have the choice to surrender and follow. Despite the excuses I make, the feelings I have, and the struggles standing in the way- I still have the decision to surrender to the Spirit or to lead myself. I may struggle with feeling as though I’m living complacently or that I have little purpose where I am. But the fact is that the Spirit is calling me- it is my fault if I don’t follow.

I pray that I can, that we all can, surrender our own plans, desires, and expectations to follow the journey that the Spirit has for us.

God met me last weekend.

“Now that I have seen, I am responsible. Faith without deeds is dead. Now that I have held you in my own arms, I cannot let go.”

I have [seen].

I am –responsible-

And this is where the struggle within me comes.

I don’t know stories anymore- I have friends. I have brothers and sisters. I see faces. I feel their pain. I have a nine-year old friend in Johannesburg- he is full of life and energy, a beautiful boy worthy of so much love. But his mother doesn’t feel that way. His mother can’t even remember to pick him up afterschool. I have another friend in Zambia- a beautiful 5 year old boy. He has a blank stare that hides more pain and despair than I will ever know.

But here I am- in Grove City, PA. I am not there. I cannot hug them. I cannot hold them. I cannot tell them that I love them.

This is my struggle. God has called me here, but my flesh wants to be there.

This weekend, God met me head-on in this struggle. My heart was broken for what seems like the millionth time. I spent hours creating a walkway in my school filled with pictures, stories, and statistics like these:

One child dies every 5 seconds from preventable diseases.

Approximately [15 million children under 18] have lost one or both parents to AIDS.

Nearly one million people die every year from malaria, most of these children younger than 5 years old.

I spent the day in tears- but for the first time these tears were not purely for these children and their stories. I was overwhelmed by the relentless and tender compassion of God- of Jesus Christ. I saw people broken, in tears, for their brothers and sisters around the world. I saw people seeking and desiring to act. And most of all, I saw walls crashing down around people’s hearts- leaving room for the Heavenly Father to enter in and bring His compassion.

I heard God’s gentle whisper saying to me:

“Kelly, there is no division between what you have seen and where you are right now. I have sons and daughters hurting and dying here- where you are. Show them my hope. Show them my compassion. The pain that you feel is not yours- it comes from me. It comes from my broken heart, in anguish for my children. And right now my heart is also breaking for these people- for the father down the street that can’t feed his children, for the teenager scared to tell her parents she’s pregnant, for the woman cleaning your bathrooms who has never been told about My love…they are crying out. The world is hurting- the children in Africa and the people in front of your eyes. Feed my sheep.”

God met me- in my pride, selfishness, and pain.

I am here- for a purpose, a perfect purpose from my Heavenly Daddy.

And again, I hear with new meaning the words- “Now that I have seen, I am responsible. Faith without deeds is dead.”

Home...

I'm homesick...

I've been back in PA for two months now and I've spent time at my new house, my dad's house, my house in maryland, friend's houses yet there is a longing within me no matter where I seem to be. In two weeks I will in my car, driving back to Grove City for another semester of school and I have a strong confidence that my longing still won't be fulfilled. I am longing for a place that I have never seen.

When I think about the times I have felt at home in the past two months, I think about walks in a park, drives down the highway, sitting by a lake, or running through a field...locations with no meaning in my life- except they were places that I met God and He reminded me that my home is Him.

Peter wrote to us "Friends, this world is not your home, don't make yourselves cozy in it." And Jesus told us also, ["Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you'll remain intimately at home in my love." ]

I dont belong here. We don't belong here. We weren't made to feel at home in this world. We were made to feel at home when we are curled up in the arms of the great loving Father who loves us, forgives us, sees us, and knows us inside and out. I still get frustrated and sometimes just plain angry because life just seems to cry out for more. And there is more. There is a kingdom filled with acceptance, overflowing grace, laughter, singing, dancing, people unafraid to be real, extended arms, welcoming comfy couches, and simply love.

...That is Home.

And that is where we belong.

Let us remember that we aren't meant to be at home on this physical earth. "God, make us find our home in You."

to be alive is to be [broken].

God has been taking me on a journey of what it means to be broken.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned this summer is that I am broken, weak, and inadequate. I've always tried to be strong and independent, but I am realizing just how little I really can do on my own. This summer has consisted of many cycles for me- it starts with life being lonely, dull, frustrating, and just simply low, but then I realize that realize I need to turn to God and surrender to Him. So I being to lean on Him, rather than myself, and slowly things become brighter and the incline begins. But then when things are going well- I start to rely on myself again. And thats when the cycle begins again with yet another period of low. You would think I would learn the lesson, right? But as I said, [I am broken].

And through all of this God just says to me- "Kelly, you don't have to please me. You don't have to do the work. I've done it all and I will continue to do it. In fact, you cant. Only I can. I love you and this is how I show you my love."

It really hit me today when I was reading in Ephesians: "We all did it, all of us doing what we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, all of us in the same boat. It's a wonder God didn't lose His temper and do away with a whole lot of us. Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, He embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ. He did this all on His own...All we do is trust Him enough to let Him do it. It's God's gift form start to finish! We don't play the major role...No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving." [Ephesians 2:3-10]

My God, my Dad, my Savior reached down and embraced me! And its only because He just loved me that much that He couldn't help it.

I am an irritable, moody, impatient, jealous, cynical, weak, and broken person. But its ok. Because where I am weak- I am my strongest and I am alive. Because as Brennen Manning wrote, "To be alive is to be broken and to be broken is to stand in need of grace."

Slow down and sit for a while...

Life is busy here.

It's been a gradual increase since I've gotten back into life in America. But its felt like this week it has just come at me full speed. Work, school, visiting friends, cleaning around the house...it's just draining. And its not that I don't like those things- ok so maybe not the Chemistry class part- but it all just seems to be on turbo speed. Things go by schedule and appointment. Work is 9-3. Class starts at 8. I have lunch with someone at 12:45...

I miss the life of going minute by minute without busy schedules and time limits. I miss the African days when I could have a conversation with someone without having to worry about being late for something else....I miss walks to pick avocados, chats while sitting in the kitchen, quiet times sitting outside, I even miss two hour long dinner preparations of talking and fellowshipping.

I miss a culture that values community.

America is fast- fast food, high-speed internet, on-demand television....and so on....

Why have we come to value efficiency more than relationships? I feel like this is a broken record of what so many people have said before...but things just keep on becoming faster and faster...

I was at the grocery store today- being overwhelmed and over stimulated- and I realized something at the deli counter. While I was waiting for my turn, the lady before me placed her order. She placed her order directly after the "hello" that the man behind the counter gave. And I thought to myself that I don't know if that man would know what to do if instead of going directly to my need, I replied to him by saying "Hello. How are you?" So I told myself that I would make it a point to break the mold. And then after waiting five minutes, my turn came, I had already forgotten my resolution and after the quick polite "hello" I went straight to placing my order.

I am being sucked back in. And I hate it.

I am praying for my values to continually be replaced with God and His Kingdom values. It's not about one culture that has it right versus another. It's about the fact that we are all screwed up and we need to ask God to show us how to bring His Kingdom culture to this earth- where people will ask how the other is doing before ordering lunch meat for their families.

...continuing on the journey in America

So I back in the good 'ol USA- and I am homesick for South Africa.

I am going to keep this blog- I dont know if anyone reads it but I trust God will put it in the hands of anyone He wants to see it : )

I miss Africa. America- land of busy lives, distraction, technology, individualism, and possessions...and yet this is where God has called me right now. I am supposed to have missed this world. Yet I long to be back in a place where I feel free and full of purpose...

I miss my ZamFam. I miss my children.

God has been teaching me alot since being back. Over the past year He has continued to tell me to [Seek]. And when I seek Him with all that I have, I will find Him in unimaginable ways. So I have been struggling to keep seeking here. I have been trying to seek Him while being back as a camp counselor, taking Chemistry, spending time with my family, relaxing by myself...and so on. And to be honest- I still am struggling to find Him all the time.

...but I know I will. I guess this is where faith comes in. Faith- relying on God not when things are straightforward and easy, but when you feel like you are in the dark with no one to turn to. That is where faith comes in.

And that is where I am on my journey...

...seek first His Kingdom....

I love it here : )

I am not a city girl at all but I have loved my week at the Joseph Project here in Jo-burg so far. In the mornings we have been working on preparing presentations about human trafficking to take to schools in the area. And then in the afternoons during the afterschool program, I am working in the "seedlings" class and I love it : ) Those kids are just great and its only been a few days. I can't think about saying bye to them in a week. It's crazy the difference when you can actually talk to the kids you are working with....

Today I signed up to do the devo for our family here. God really put it on my heart to talk about something He has been teaching me lately. For the past few weeks He has been showing me what it means to have a "Kingdom view." He has been challenging me to look beyong the physical, earthly world and see His kingdom.

God has called us all to bring His Kingdom to this world. Heaven isn't a world to look forward to...its a world in the here and now.

His Kingdom is fillled with laughter, joy, peace, love, grace, unity, fellowship....so that is what we are called to be makers of on this earth.

My heart has been breaking while preparing presenations to warn kids about human trafficking. It breaks even more when I think about the fact that many of the kids here that will be trafficked will have better living conditions than before they were trafficked. How sick and wrong can this world get? This world needs His kingdom desperately.

We need peace....and we need love...

We need hope.