to be alive is to be [broken].

God has been taking me on a journey of what it means to be broken.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned this summer is that I am broken, weak, and inadequate. I've always tried to be strong and independent, but I am realizing just how little I really can do on my own. This summer has consisted of many cycles for me- it starts with life being lonely, dull, frustrating, and just simply low, but then I realize that realize I need to turn to God and surrender to Him. So I being to lean on Him, rather than myself, and slowly things become brighter and the incline begins. But then when things are going well- I start to rely on myself again. And thats when the cycle begins again with yet another period of low. You would think I would learn the lesson, right? But as I said, [I am broken].

And through all of this God just says to me- "Kelly, you don't have to please me. You don't have to do the work. I've done it all and I will continue to do it. In fact, you cant. Only I can. I love you and this is how I show you my love."

It really hit me today when I was reading in Ephesians: "We all did it, all of us doing what we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, all of us in the same boat. It's a wonder God didn't lose His temper and do away with a whole lot of us. Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, He embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive in Christ. He did this all on His own...All we do is trust Him enough to let Him do it. It's God's gift form start to finish! We don't play the major role...No, we neither make nor save ourselves. God does both the making and saving." [Ephesians 2:3-10]

My God, my Dad, my Savior reached down and embraced me! And its only because He just loved me that much that He couldn't help it.

I am an irritable, moody, impatient, jealous, cynical, weak, and broken person. But its ok. Because where I am weak- I am my strongest and I am alive. Because as Brennen Manning wrote, "To be alive is to be broken and to be broken is to stand in need of grace."

Slow down and sit for a while...

Life is busy here.

It's been a gradual increase since I've gotten back into life in America. But its felt like this week it has just come at me full speed. Work, school, visiting friends, cleaning around the house...it's just draining. And its not that I don't like those things- ok so maybe not the Chemistry class part- but it all just seems to be on turbo speed. Things go by schedule and appointment. Work is 9-3. Class starts at 8. I have lunch with someone at 12:45...

I miss the life of going minute by minute without busy schedules and time limits. I miss the African days when I could have a conversation with someone without having to worry about being late for something else....I miss walks to pick avocados, chats while sitting in the kitchen, quiet times sitting outside, I even miss two hour long dinner preparations of talking and fellowshipping.

I miss a culture that values community.

America is fast- fast food, high-speed internet, on-demand television....and so on....

Why have we come to value efficiency more than relationships? I feel like this is a broken record of what so many people have said before...but things just keep on becoming faster and faster...

I was at the grocery store today- being overwhelmed and over stimulated- and I realized something at the deli counter. While I was waiting for my turn, the lady before me placed her order. She placed her order directly after the "hello" that the man behind the counter gave. And I thought to myself that I don't know if that man would know what to do if instead of going directly to my need, I replied to him by saying "Hello. How are you?" So I told myself that I would make it a point to break the mold. And then after waiting five minutes, my turn came, I had already forgotten my resolution and after the quick polite "hello" I went straight to placing my order.

I am being sucked back in. And I hate it.

I am praying for my values to continually be replaced with God and His Kingdom values. It's not about one culture that has it right versus another. It's about the fact that we are all screwed up and we need to ask God to show us how to bring His Kingdom culture to this earth- where people will ask how the other is doing before ordering lunch meat for their families.

...continuing on the journey in America

So I back in the good 'ol USA- and I am homesick for South Africa.

I am going to keep this blog- I dont know if anyone reads it but I trust God will put it in the hands of anyone He wants to see it : )

I miss Africa. America- land of busy lives, distraction, technology, individualism, and possessions...and yet this is where God has called me right now. I am supposed to have missed this world. Yet I long to be back in a place where I feel free and full of purpose...

I miss my ZamFam. I miss my children.

God has been teaching me alot since being back. Over the past year He has continued to tell me to [Seek]. And when I seek Him with all that I have, I will find Him in unimaginable ways. So I have been struggling to keep seeking here. I have been trying to seek Him while being back as a camp counselor, taking Chemistry, spending time with my family, relaxing by myself...and so on. And to be honest- I still am struggling to find Him all the time.

...but I know I will. I guess this is where faith comes in. Faith- relying on God not when things are straightforward and easy, but when you feel like you are in the dark with no one to turn to. That is where faith comes in.

And that is where I am on my journey...

...seek first His Kingdom....

I love it here : )

I am not a city girl at all but I have loved my week at the Joseph Project here in Jo-burg so far. In the mornings we have been working on preparing presentations about human trafficking to take to schools in the area. And then in the afternoons during the afterschool program, I am working in the "seedlings" class and I love it : ) Those kids are just great and its only been a few days. I can't think about saying bye to them in a week. It's crazy the difference when you can actually talk to the kids you are working with....

Today I signed up to do the devo for our family here. God really put it on my heart to talk about something He has been teaching me lately. For the past few weeks He has been showing me what it means to have a "Kingdom view." He has been challenging me to look beyong the physical, earthly world and see His kingdom.

God has called us all to bring His Kingdom to this world. Heaven isn't a world to look forward to...its a world in the here and now.

His Kingdom is fillled with laughter, joy, peace, love, grace, unity, fellowship....so that is what we are called to be makers of on this earth.

My heart has been breaking while preparing presenations to warn kids about human trafficking. It breaks even more when I think about the fact that many of the kids here that will be trafficked will have better living conditions than before they were trafficked. How sick and wrong can this world get? This world needs His kingdom desperately.

We need peace....and we need love...

We need hope.

I've fallen in love....

So my heart has been captured....

.....by some adorable and incredible children in Zambia : ) Yes, I was pretty much about to fit them into my suitcase but one of my leaders told us that kidnapping is against the rules- darn. They were some of the sweetest kids I have ever met. One little boy, who lived near a youth camp we ran, was known as "Kelly's boy" because he basically followed me every where I went and even looked from me at 6 AM the morning after I left : (

The past month was an amazing experience! In one month we helped run an orphan school, worked at a youth camp, painted pictures on classroom walls, took meals to prisoners in jail, prayed for people in a clinic, spent a night in a village only able to be accessed by boat, and climbed the SECOND longest waterfall in the continent of Africa!! It was so awesome and the lake where we stayed was one of the most beautiful places Ive ever been in my entire life.

Yesterday we got to Jo-burg where we will be for the next two weeks. Today we went for a prayer walk around the city and walked specifically around the stadium where the World Cup games will be held. I love the ministry here. It is going to be a great two weeks : )

I love you guys and miss you. Keep praying for me...I am praying for you : )

LECTURE PHASE IS OVER!!

Hey everyone : ) Here is some of whats been going on in this past week. I just want to let you all know that this is going to be my last blog for a while. Our team leaves on Tuesday for Zambia! Please keep us in your prayers for the next two months. I know God is going to do great things! I love you guys and have a great next two months!

April 8, 2010

It’s been a week of putting things into action…the beginning of taking the steps. This is our last week of lecture and after four days of class, our teacher, Fiona, still hasn’t opened up her class materials. Fiona told us at the beginning of the week that the material was us. She spent a lot of time looking over all the notes we’ve taken since we got her and she concluded that we have a lot of head knowledge. But we need to take it and put it into our hearts. Our class lives in isolation. We live in isolation but we long for unity and intimacy. We keep talking about it, but Fiona was the first to give us the nudges that we needed. We went from our normal class time of sitting in awkward silence when a teacher asks a question to all speaking out and sharing our thoughts. One word that really struck me in the beginning of the week was [speak]. We all have thoughts and we need to share. Again, we need to share. And I learned that need to open my mouth and share my thoughts.

This morning our leader Brittany told us all to pray about how we should start the morning. We prayed but then when Brittany asked us what we heard from God, we all sat and stared silently and awkwardly, saying that we heard nothing. Fiona then told us flat out that she didn’t believe us. She told us to pray again and that afterwards we were going to share. And next thing you know, we all were talking and sharing J And after that, we then had an over two hour time of worship, free communication with God- if that even explains it. God showed up and it rocked. And I don’t expect it to be the last time.

This week was also our last time to go to the communities L So yesterday I had to go to my home in Mbonisweni for the last time. But it was an incredible afternoon. I spent the afternoon with a small group of amazing young girls- one who I pretty much fell in love with. Her name was Sandra and she was just a beautiful girl J A few of us also did a song, skit, and then colored in small groups with the kids. It was great to feel even more involved and to have even more of a personal connection. So it was hard to have to say goodbye….but it means Zambia is coming!

April 9, 2010

So my lecture phase is officially over. But it ended in an awesome way J Last night we just had a time or processing and just responding to God. We had different symbols and a wooden cross in the middle of the room. We all individually prayed and asked God how He wanted us to respond to what he taught us this week. I think we all were definitely moved and convicted J Today we spent time leading our own worship time and then we had creative expression, making collages of what we look like. It was pretty sweet J Its been an awesome week but now we are all pretty restless for outreach!!!

March 27, 2010

This week has changed incredibly since the beginning of the week. To be honest- it started with a lot of frustrations and irritation. We had a lot of tension and disunity within our group. But God is ironic- it was “relationship” week. For the first two days we watched a video series on relationships. It was good but nothing like the last three days when we had a speaker from the Texas team now on base. Our speaker was the man who is pastoral overseer of Ten Thousand Homes. He talked a lot about how incredibly important relationship and unity is to God. Yes…I have heard that many times before but it really changed my entire view. We know that love is how we show Christ but that means that our relationships with people and our unity within the Church show our relationship with Christ. We learned about being transparent to others, confronting others, and what forgiveness really means. And the amazing thing was that as we learned this week, I could see it all being put into practice J We went to Dwaleni this week for the last time L It was sad because we didn’t realize it was the last time until we had left so I didn’t really get to say goodbye to my friends. I made a great friend named Nolwazi who I spent time with each week and even wrote me notes every time that I came. Its getting sad to start having to say goodbye to people. Today we went to Iris for possibly the last time. It was a tough day. My little group of three dug about 20 holes for fence posts and then worked on the wire going on the fences. It was super hot and tiring but even with all that, I still had energy to play with the kids before we left J

April 1, 2010

I feel at home. This Sunday I went to Pastor Stambiso’s Church in Mbonisweni- where I lived for a week. Going back felt like going home. I love it there and I love the feeling of belonging. It’s a great feeling to know that your home can consist of more than one place- even on different continents. We have had an interesting week because our teaching was actually cancelled for the week. After all of the teaching on relationships, we as students and the staff were convicted of a lot and there were many things brought to our mind that we needed to confront. Our speaker for the week is staff here and he decided teaching us would mean he wouldn’t be giving his all because of that, so we have had a lot of down time- which has been very needed actually. Yesterday we had a “family meeting” where the staff and students just sat and talked about things that needed to get out in the open and be dealt with concerning our relationships with each other. So we sat in a giant circle and just talked for a couple hours. It felt really like a family meeting.

We have also had some closure this week. Monday night we had a bonfire to close off our Identity week from a long time ago that never worked out before. We each stood in front of everyone, threw our old masks in the fire, declared our new names and what God showed us in that week, and received a plaque with our names and a verse on it. I wish I could explain how amazed and proud I felt watching my family declare their new names and seeing even after a few weeks how they have really started to become them. I am proud of my family and so excited of what God is going to do in our outreach. We were able to share the bonfire and many other experiences with a team here from Texas. We are pretty much in love with their group J They made us a full out Texas breakfast this morning and have shared their pictures and experiences with us. It’s just so amazing how close you can feel to people after only two weeks. They also shared in our “giving night” last night. We had a night where we put up on a white board how much people still needed to pay for their outreach dues. Then we simply worshipped while praying and handing in pieces of paper with amounts we wanted to give and to whom. Over $3,500 was given! It was a humbling experience to see how much God can work when you take him out of the box we put Him in.